The Boy Who Wasted Everyone's Time
by Unbeknownst
Summary: Three words: worst story ever.
1. The Boy Who Lived to Die

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Pothead, Harry Potter, any characters from South Park, or any quotes from Pokemon, Yu-gi-Oh, Digimon, or Duel Monsters—whatever show that quote came from.

Beware: I was really bored, but I had fun changing their names. You'll probably find it as annoying as hell.

Also, just as a little note, I'm sorry for posting this on Christmas. I had actually had the first chapter posted at around eight or ten last night, but then I removed the story because of a littlechapter-order confusion, and went to bed.

I. The Boy Who Lived To Die

Once upon a time there was a lovely boy named Harry Pothead. That wasn't really his name, but everyone at school called himit because he didn't exactly fit in with the crowd. You see, Harry Pothead was a very special boy, but we'll get to that later. Anyway, none of his classmates liked him because he looked like a dopey hero and had a hot temper. To make matters worse, he wore glasses upon his face while everyone else was gifted with laser eye surgery. To make matters worse, he had a big red nose that glowed in the dark.

At the time that this incident occurred, Harry was a cheerful, good-natured boy of eleven with thick, messy dark hair, sparkling green eyes, a goatee, and a humble, starved look on his face. He lived with his aunt and uncle who really were evil, and his cousin, Shmuckley, who was a fat model for men's clothing. Shmuckley was not actually his real name, though (His real name is too horrible to say; poor kid); it was a nickname that he hated, so everyone called him Dudley or a variation of that, to make him happy.

One day, on Harry's eleventh birthday, Harry was being especially annoying. He was skipping around the house singing, "It's my birthday, it's my birthday, I'm a happy birthday elf." The Dursleys were scared that Harry would reveal their evil plan, so they decided it was time they got rid of him.

After they had him quieted down, Mr. And Mrs. Dursley proceeded to tell their nephew a very evil lie. "Harry, we've received a magical invitation from a land of wizards and dragons," Mrs. Dursley said, sounding like one of the narrators from Harry's role-playing games.

Harry rolled his eyes. "This better be better than Disney Land," he said sarcastically. "If the bad guy's another evil storm, I'll bloody kill myself and take you all with me."

"No, no, it's nothing like that," Petunia tittered nervously. She handed him the flyer, which read:

Hogwarts Happy Land O' Fun

Dear Mr. Potter,

We have specifically selected you to study at our fine school, among some of the finest witches and wizards of our age. At this most amazing institution you will learn the skills necessary to transform yourself into a witch or a wizard, depending upon your gender. The classes include: Magical Maths, Magical Algebra, Magical Reading, History of Magic, Magical Dress-up, Magical Gym, Magical Science, Magical Citizenship, and Magical Grammar. We hope you will comply, as our school is the best school in the country. See you there!

Yours Sincerely, Albus Dumbasswhore (Actually, since I like this character, we'll keep his name Dumbledore.)

"Well?" Petunia asked excitedly, eying her nephew across the table for a hint of approval. "What do you think of that? I had a cousin who went to Hogwarts Happy Land O' Fun, and she said it's the best place in the world! All you have to do is pretend you're a wizard."

Unfortunately, she didn't get the happy approval she was looking for.

"THAT is to be my birthday present this year? I'm entering into manhood! I even have a beard to prove it, and you can still only conceive of to take me on babyish excursions!"

Then he began to whine. "How come DUDLEY gets to go to COOL places like the zoo on his birthday? I'm a hopeless oooooorpan. Nobody loves meeeeeeee!" And with that, he broke down sobbing.

"Don't worry, I have a plan B," Vernon whispered to his wife.

Suddenly, a giant hairy man entered the room.

"It's Big Gay Al!" Dudley exclaimed gaily.

"No, Udders, that's just Fagird…….uh, Hagrid. He's a homeless drunk your daddy hired for Harry's birthday," Petunia whispered to Dudley.

"Oh, I didn't know Harry got into that thing," Dudley whispered back, rather loudly. "Can you do any tricks?" he asked the birthday-entertainer as he began to dig into Harry's trough of food.

Meanwhile, Hagrid was offended.

"Listen, I don't know who this Big Gay Al is, but I haven't heard of him in the book, which probably means you've taken him from some other form of media."

He then threw Dudey into a wall and, taking out his magic stapler, stapled Dudley's ass to the back of a pig.

"He's definitely going to need plastic surgery to correct that error! HA HA. You're a wizard Harry, I'm taking you to Hogwarts! You're coming with me! We're going to the castle in the sky! Blah, blah, blah." These were all words that came out of Hagrid's mouth.

"And what if I decide not to go?" Harry asked defiantly, being his annoying, defiant self.

"Then I'll kill you with my magic stapler. You'll be in the plastic surgery ward next to Udders here. HO HO HO!"

He laughed jovially, like Santa Claus. Or maybe it wasn't jovially so much as maniacally. I don't know. (I'm in the the Christmas spirit.)

"MAGIC STAPLER? That's just a regular stapler," Harry snorted. He ran upstairs to Uncle Vernon's office and took the stapler off the desk.

"PREPARE TO DUEL!" Harry shouted, running toward Hagrid and brandishing his tool (clean version of "tool".)

Meanwhile, Petunia was staring in horror at her wailing son. "Hagrid, perhaps you'd better leave now," she said quietly.

"Ok, come along now, Harry."

"I'm not going with you!" Harry shouted. (As usual,; he's always shouting.) "I'd rather die!"

"All righty then, we'll be leaving now." Hagrid said. He scooped up Harry in his arms and proceeded to hit him over the head repeatedly with a cinder block. "You're a wizard, Harry," he said for the second time.

"Ok," Harry said, drooling.

"And if you decide you don't want to be a wizard; that you'd rather be a stupid Muggle instead, I'll come to your school and kill you personally. "

Harry, by now, was quite brain-dead and was preoccupied watching the pretty stars, so he didn't hear this last comment as clearly as he should have.

"Now he really is clinically insane," Hagrid said cheerfully to Vernon and Petunia. "I just hope they don't blame you fine folks for the beating."

"Thank you Hagrid," Petunia said, smiling charitably while trying to conceal a nervous twitch. She handed Hagrid a twenty-dollar bill. "I think you'd better be leaving now."

"Yup. See you around."

So Harry was kidnapped by a derelict and taken on a Magical Train Ride. By now he couldn't even begin to comprehend the amazing adventures that waited for him beyond Platform 93/4.

------------------------------------------------

"So, where does this train go?" Harry asked a sulky blonde boy after Hagrid had dumped him at the train station.

"To a Mental Institution in a different country," the blonde replied. "You didn't know that?"

"Mental institution? I thought we were going to a Magical……….uh………….Castle………….uh, Land of Fun."

"Yeah, a Magical Forest," the blonde said. He snickered to his cronies.

"Cool. Do you want to be my friends?" Harry asked the blonde and the blonde's cronies. His eyes became all glassy and starry, and he started drooling. (This was another reason he was called Harry "Pothead", because he'd had thisdisorder prior to the incident with the bricks.)

"Uh, no, I don't think so," the blonde said with disdain. "I'm only friends with cool people. Not losers. By the way, my name is Flako. Flako Mafoy." He shook hands with Harry, then left.

"Gee", Harry thought as he watched Flako walk away, "that boy wasn't very nice."

"Let's be worst enemies!" Harry shouted after him.

"Ok," Flako shouted back. "By the way, my mother's name is Jessica Simpson."

"Gee", there are lots of interesting people going to this school," Harry thought. "Maybe it will be fun like that swimming party of the Dursleys'."


	2. The Grievance Continues

II. The Grievance Continues

Harry boarded the Magical Train and began to have a flashback about the Dursley's swimming party.

It had been a hot day in July. There were a lot of hot dogs and it was very fun.

Then an orange-haired boy sat down next to him, drawing Harry out of his detailed reverie.

"Hi, I'm Ron," the orange-haired boy said. "Do you want to be my friend?"

"Yes. My name is Harry Pothead……….Uh, Potter………damnit!" Harry said, and they hit it off right away.

Some time later, a girl named Hermione Granger came up to them. "Hi, I'm Hermione Granger and I'm looking for Neville's toad. Has anyone seen him?" Hermione asked.

"No," Ron replied, gulping down the toad's leg that hung from the side of his mouth.

Hermione looked from Ron to Harry, then gasped.

"Ron! You ATE Neville's toad!"

"What?" Ron asked innocently, a look of confusion drawn over his face. "I thought they ate frog-legs in France. Toads are the same thing as frogs, aren't they? Except frogs live in water?"

"You're an inconsiderate jerk," Hermione yelled, then ran away.

"What's _her _problem?" Ron asked dismissively.

But Harry knew that Hermione was forgetting something.

'Hermione, aren't you forgetting something?" he called after her.

Hermione whirled around, "Yes, I forgot to tell you that you're a—Holy shit! What's that scar on your forehead! Oh my God! You're……..you're …………………that guy…………"

"What scar?" Harry asked. This world just kept getting weirder and weirder.

He looked into Ron's makeup mirror and located the scar in question.

"Oh, yeah. Hagrid hit me with a cinder block," he explained.

Hermione looked disappointed.

Just then Hagrid appeared to say hello to his friends. "Hullo Harry, hi Ron, heya Hermione."

"Hi Hagrid," they said in unison.

"How do you know our names?" Hermione asked.

Hagrid shrugged. "I don't know. Well, anyway kids, I'm the gamekeeper this year so it looks like we're in for another fun year at--Whoa, that's a nice scar you got there Harry. How did you get it? Oh, I know, Voldemort otherwise known as You Know Who gave it to you when you were just a little baby. Darn near killed ya, he did. It's a miracle you survived. Your parents died, though. God rest their poor souls. Mother gave up her life for you, she did. Oh wait—I shouldn'a told you that."

With that, he shambled away.

Harry was speechless.

Then Hermione screamed, "OH MY GOD IT'S THE BOY WHO LIVED," and a lot of onlookers came to gawk at poor Harry, who was trying desperately to hide his face behind his hands.

"Come on, Harry, will you quit with the sniveling act?" Hermione asked, exasperatedly. "You're probably enjoying it—you're enjoying the fame, I mean."

"No I will not!" Harry shrieked. "I have a horrible, pathetic life. You can't even begin to imagine the misery I'm in! I woke up today, hoping to have a fun birthday party, but then I was pummeled by a dear friend by the name of Hagrid. Now I'm being hounded by an evil maniac, who I don't know his name. I think it began with a V—or something, but I'm can't be sure because no one ever says it--"

"You just found out about the He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named thing five minutes ago," Hermione cut in. "You've never even met the guy except for when you were a baby!"

"I'm in SHOCK!" Harry screamed. "Why can't you understand?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You're probably glad for his attention, and you know it."

"I'm so misunderstood. Everyone misinterprets my feelings. Whenever I ask someone for a scrambled egg, they always give it to me hard-boiled! Last time I went to the store and asked the lady where they sold tampons, she looked at me funny. Everyone thinks Voldemort is my father! I can't buy a Christmas card without having it remind me of my horrible name! My parents are dead! The Dursleys are evil! Flako Malfoy hates my guts! My period is coming two weeks ahead of schedule! I look like Where's Waldo! AHHHHHHHHH!

"WOW. You ARE a special boy," Hermione said. The narrator was right about one thing. She at least got _that _part right.

"Yeah, yeah," Harry said. He was tired of being dramatic. All his fans found it boring

"Hey look, there's the school!" he exclaimed.

"The SCHOOL?" Hermione asked. She and Ron both exchanged looks, although they were used to this kind of thing, being on a bus headed to a mental-hospital.

"You mean you came here to get an EDUCATION?"

"No, I came here to have fun, silly!" (Someone's been watching too much South Park. The silly comment. You know.)

The three younglings looked skyward in awe at the amazing structure that was about to house them. Actually, it was only one story, but there were several guard-towers.

A deep indigo lake bordered the establishment. It was dotted here and there with corpses. Some of them wore decaying paper hats, which were magically glued to their heads.

"Those must be the people who jumped from the guard tower," Hermione said conversationally. "I read about them in Hogwarts: A History. And look, there's a guard floating by! Well, I've got to go! Duty calls." And with that she skittered off.

"What a bitch," Ron swore, after she had left.

"Got that right," Harry agreed.

After their carriages had come and ushered the first-years inside, a lady stood in the hallway and introduced herself as Mrs. McGonorrhea. (Once again, I like this character, so we'll only keep her name like this temporarily.)

"I have a disease which I'm seeing Madam Humpfree for Magical Treatment, but I should be back to normal in a week, so you can call me Professor McGonnagal after that. Now, I'm going to sort you children into groups. There are four groups in this school. Because I know some of you are going to be sad if you're separated from your friends, I made up a poem for each group to make you feel better, which will be recited by this computer-graphically animated hat."

All of the children "oohed" and "ahed" as the antropomorphic hat began to recite the poem.

Sniffledwarf is where all the idiots go

Your friends call you brave but you're just a stupid ho

The Ravenclaw kids are all gifted and smart

But despite all your talents, you're still a shallow tart.

Slytherins are evil as shit in a pail

But that's ok becuase they'll all end up in jail

"There was some other house, but I forget its name—Oh yeah, Hufflepuff. Those are the ones who sniff glue, but we don't care about them."

McGonnorhea looked around and noticed that some of the kids were crying. "I'm glad you appreciated my art," she said. "Look, Dumbledore, I've touched them to tears."

Harry was sorted into Sniffledwarf, along with Ron and Hermione.Flako made it into Slytherin.

As they were sitting at the table, Harry noticed that a man in a turban was dancing around like a butterfly and stuttering to himself.

"Who is that?" he asked Ron.

It was a boy named Semen who replied, in a conspiratorial whisper.

"That's Queer Squirrel. He's a patient, but we have to call him "professor" because he teaches one of the classes. No one knows how he got his name, but we think it has something to do with the fact that he's queer and collects nuts. Beware of him. He has multiple-personality disorder."

"Oh," Harry said as he finished his meal of moldy bread.

The next day went rather fun for Harry and his friends.

He got to see all of the wonderful classes the school had to offer, such as Lotions with Professor Rape (We remove all bad connotations from his name), Kung Fu with Professor Queer Squirrel, Magical Maths with Professor Something-or-Other, Transcendental Literature with Professor Flitwick, Magical Birth Control with Professor McGonorrhea, When Botany Goes Bad with the DARE officer, Flying Lessons with the Hufflepuffs, and Broom-Riding for some of the luckier students.

Only, a couple of things still reeked about this school. For instance, Harry had a not-so-good relationship with Professor Rape, after he'd refused to demonstrate the right way to oil himself. For that, Rape had taken off fifty points from Gryffindor.

There were other things wrong with the school too, but I'm just going to stop here as you're probably already dead by now or have left long ago or puked up your intestines. I'm sorry.


End file.
